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Mozart’s Wife, By Juliet Waldron.

It’s time for a guest review! This is by Bonzodoodajsteele, a good friend of mine in real life, not just on the internet, and is one cool chick. I’ve never read this book myself, but I just want to start this post off with a quick story:

One day Bonzodoodajsteele comes up to me very seriously and says, “Emily Geek, I need to talk literature with you.”

I’m always up for a good literature discussion, so then she tells me two things about Mozart’s Wife.

1. “I think this lady has a boner for Mozart.”

2. Then she made me read the part about the period. (WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME.)

But anyway, I’ll let her tell you about it.

Mozart’s Wife, By Juliet Waldron.

Ok. First book review ever. What better way to break the ice than to review a Kindle Freebie!

First and foremost, I am a book racist. I am a sucker for an interesting cover, title, or promising “free” price range. So when I saw Mozart’s wife on the top 100, it was an obvious yes. The title was cool, the cover looked relatively not porn-esque.( which we would later find to be untrue…oy)

I began to read this book. And doubt washed over me. It read like a teen fiction book, you jive? But I stuck through, because it was plucky, and was, despite the angstiness, not badly written. The way it describes Constanze’s childhood, and growth into a young women (and the object of Mozart’s affection) was tender, and descriptive without turning into a Dicken’s novel (EG: Dude got paid by the word. To say his books were lengthy would be an understatement). Before I go any further,
I need to make it clear…..I Like this book. But there was a point, after Constanze and Mozart realized they were crazy for one another, till just after they get married that it got…weird. It felt like the author had a boner for Mozart. Which is very.very.weird. To put it Mildly….Constanze calls him Wolfi, and describes him feeling up her Vag as if she was an instrument. “He played us both to Happiness.” She describes the horror of having to tie her “raggin” it rags, and the devastating fear the he just wouldn’t get it. He pats her Vag.

Let me repeat.

He. PATS.her cloth swaddled. Blood oozing.VAGINA.

Mozart.

Wolfgang. Amadeus.

But after that point, the book becomes strangely enthralling, and hard to put down. I was very impressed by Ms. Waldons ability to sway into what I like to call the Historical Fiction format.

Historical Fiction Format

Leading Lady( it is always a lady) is waifish, and vulnerable, virginal but with a kinky side.
Love interest-dashing.tall.sexy. The sex. So much sex oozing from him. Probably a soldier of some sort
Setting: Lush. Weather predicts the mood (when the sex happens, because the sex always happens, its swelteringly hot outside. When there is sickness, death, or fighting…it rains, ectera, ectera)
Descriptions: Lush to the point of ridiculous. From the stays, to the food, to the hair, to the houses, to the dogs, to the sex, when one word would suffice, paragraphs would do better. Everything described in painstaking detail.

Sex: Frequent, and graphic, and usually coupled with the overflowing description. This is disconcerting when the historical novel is about a real life famous person. ( I like Ben Franklin as much as the next chick, but I REALLY do not want nitty gritty details on what whore he ate like an ice cream cone. )

Dialogue: “Oh really Mr. Fancyhorsemcsoldierson….how quaint”

“ Ms. Tightcorsetnodrawers, I must take you here, and now!”

Ms. Waldon doesn’t do this. The descriptions are accurate, and plentiful, the leading lady is strong, the dialogue, while a touch silly, smacks of realism. But the real reason that this book stands out, is that its leading man isn’t a tall dashing soldier. It’s Mozart, a short man, with wild hair, a somewhat plain angelic face, and almost no money to his name. It’s a good book, with a misleading start. Read it, you won’t regret it. Its 4 dollars on kindle, and it is the perfect addition to your poolside reading stack. If you like unique historical fiction, music, or a good, heartwarming love story that isn’t cloying, or predictable, you will like Mozart’s Wife.

Rating: 7 out of 10.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM EMILY GEEK:

Guess what? 😀

As of Monday, this blog has had 100 views!

Consider this blog is, as of this post, a little over a month old, this is HUGE.

For those of you reading this, whether you have been following for a good while or just happened to stumble on this whether surfing the web, thank you for all your support.

Special thanks to Linkara, (of Atop the Fourth Wall) for being a cool enough person to retweet EVERYONE that asks him for one, including me. I’m convinced he’s the only reason I’ve gotten half the reviews I got.

Also, thanks to my Facebook friends and my Twitter followers for being ok with the fact that half my statuses and tweets are me just begging for them to read my silly blog.

Here’s to a hundred more views!

-Emily Geek

 

YOU GUYS. TODAY I’VE HAD THE MOST VIEWS YET.

😀

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Cirque du Freak: Tunnels of Blood by Darren Shan

In which Darren gets a girlfriend.      Cirque du Freak: Tunnels of Blood by Darren Shan

The is the third book in the Cirque du Freak series by Darren Shan.  It is the final book it the Vampire Blood trilogy (which also includes the other two books I’ve already reviewed, A Living Nightmare and The Vampire’s Assistant).  It is also the book when Darren gets a girlfriend.

So the book opens with Darren watching Mr. Crepsley stalking some guy with the intent to kill him.  Ok.

Well, that was the prologue.  See, what had happened was, an old friend of Mr. Crepsley named Gavner Purl comes to the Cirque du Freak to basically tell Crepsley that his home town is being attacked.

This also introduces this Vampire Hierarchy, as Gavner is a “Vampire General”. They seem to be the vampire police force, making sure that vampires don’t go rogue and murder everyone they meet.  The interesting is that when Gavner shows up Crepsley automatically assumes that Gavner’s there to reprimand him about turning Darren into a vampire.  It was kind of hinted in the last book that a half-vampire as young as Darren was pretty rare, but based on Gavner’s reaction it’s not so much rare as flat out illegal.  Am I interested in how this effects the characters later on in the series? Why, yes. Yes I am.

Anyway, Gavner tells Crepsley that his home town is in danger, so Crepsley decides that he and Darren need to go and fix it.  However, he won’t tell Darren why they’re going or where they’re going.  Why? Because Crepsley likes secrets.

So, Darren complains about having to  leave the circus, which leads Crepsley to let Evra come with them.  This does not bode well for anyone later.  And so, they all go to the nameless city.

For a while, the book just shows Darren and Evra chilling in the big city.  They watch tv, they play in the snow (it’s Christmas time, by the way) and are just generally enjoying their vacation as Crespley does his nighttime business.  Things get interesting when Darren meets a local girl, Debbie Hemlock, while shopping for Christmas gifts.

Darren and Debbie hit it off really fast. And that’s fine and all, but something that had put me off was the way Debbie and her parents are described. They’re a little… perfect. Debbie gets along great with her parents, her parents like their daughter’s new boyfriend immediately… it’s just a little too great. It wasn’t super distracting, and it by no means ruined the book for me, but at the same time, I found it a little strange.

Things take a turn for the worst when Evra sees a story on the news about in which some bodies were found completely devoid of blood.  They think it’s Mr. Crepsley, so they decide to confront him before he takes out his next victim, thus leading up the scene in the prologue.

They track him to a warehouse empty except for the guy they believe Crepsley is trying to kill, and Darren goes in to confront him while Evra stays behind (WHY. WHY DID YOU DO THIS EVRA.)  And it turns out, it wasn’t Crepsley that was killing all of those people.  It was a crazy, bloodthirsty monster of a “vampaneze” named Murlough who Mr. Crepsley was trying to keep from killing warehouse guy.

Oh, and after Murlough escaped Crepsley, he kidnapped Evra.

OH NOES.

So, vampaneze.

The vampaneze are the evil counterparts of the vampires.  Wheras the vampires only drink enough blood to survive, the vampaneze completely drain their victims.  They also are very ritualistic (they mark who they are going to kill three days in advance, they have to sprinkle this weird powder around their victims before they drink from them, and some other stuff.)

When an author has characters who would otherwise be monsters, it is pretty common to introduce “bad” versions of those monsters as a counterpart to the “good” guys. An example of this is in The Twilight Saga, with the “good” Cullen family vampires and the “bad” Volturi vampires. (And Darren Shan, if you ever come across this, which I doubt you will, I’m really, really, sorry for comparing your books to Twilight.)

The vampaneze are a pretty cool concept and make awesome villians… except for one thing.  Apparently, since the vampaneze drink so much blood, it alters their appearance.  Their eyes turn red (a popular vampire myth is that they have inhuman red eyes, sure, I’ll believe it), their nails red (ok, sure I’ll buy it), their hair red (… that’s kind of a stretch…), and their skin purple.

I freaking love this picture.

That’s just. . . I don’t even know what to say about it.

All in all, it was a pretty good addition to the series.  If I had to rank the first three books in order of how much I liked them, it would be 1. The Vampire’s Assistant 2. Tunnels of Blood, and 3. A Living Nightmare.

Which reminds me, the ending of A Living Nightmare had Steve declaring that he would never rest until he had found and killed Darren and Mr. Crepsley and we haven’t seen hide nor hair of him since.  Hmmm… next book maybe?

Rating: 7 out of 10.

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Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant by Darren Shan

Vampire's yo. Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant by Darren Shan

 

Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant is the second book in the twelve book series, continuing the adventures of the young, now half-vampire Darren Shan. This book is in the Vampire Blood Trilogy, which is the first three books of the Cirque Du Freak series.  The movie adaptation shares the name, and apparently starred the guy that is always in movies with Will Ferrell as Mr. Crepsley.

This would be a good place to put a quote from the movie.      Is that ...Salma Hayek?

Not exactly what I pictured, but ok.*

So this book starts off where the last one left off, with Crepsley and Darren traveling the countryside doing what vampires do.  Even though Darren is starting to get used to being a half-vampire… thing, he still refuses to drink human blood and absolutely despises his Crepsley.

While in a small village, Darren joins in a game of hockey with some of the local boys, only for his inhuman strength seriously injure one of them.  Darren flees the scene, and vents his frustration at Crepsley for turning into a vampire.  Not only did Darren lose his family and old friends when he made the change, he cannot make any new ones, in fear of them learning his secret.

Crepsley feels bad (and rightly so, in my completely unbiased opinion) and decides that the best thing to do is to take Darren back to the Cirque Du Freak, where he can be around people who will understand his situation.  There Darren quickly befriends Evra, the snake boy and one of the circus’s regular freaks, Sam Grest, a local boy with a fascination for the circus and a big vocabulary, an RV, a rather extremist animal rights and nature advocate.

I hate this character. He’s just so awful. Granted, the reader isn’t supposed to like him, but seriously though, think of the most obnoxious PETA member, the guy who always pushes all the new politically correct rules, the one who is all like “love your neighbor” and then punches the guy who littered in the balls.

Though at first, things seem to be going well for our young half-vampire, things quickly go south once his new found friends get more involved with the Cirque du Freak.

I honestly enjoyed this book a lot more than I did the last one, probably because my favorite part of the last book was when they visited the circus and the circus was the main focus of this book.  Because, seriously, the circus is cool.  It has spider tricks and this guy who could eat everything in the world and a wolf-man and a snake-boy. . . it’s just a really cool concept and really is my favorite part of the series.

I also really did like the whole bromance thing between Evra, Darren and Sam.  There was this moment toward the end of the book where Darren and Evra are just talking about LIFE AND STUFF and how Darren doesn’t drink human blood because he has MORALS but it’s causing him to die and then Evra says: “I’d miss you if you died.”

Meow. :(

Even the lolcats hung their heads in sadness at that moment.

Seriously though, think of the most obnoxious PETA member, the guy who always pushes all the new politically correct rules, the one who is all like “love your neighbor” and then punches the guy who littered in the face.

That’s R.V. And yeah, I do think he deserved what happened to him.  I don’t care how worried you are about an animal’s well-being, if it’s feral, don’t let it out of the cage. That’s all I’m saying.

Also, I should mention a character who was introduced named Mr. Desmond Tiny. Des Tiny. I can’t put my finger on why, but I have a feeling that he’s going to be a part of Darren’s destiny.

Rating: 8 out of 10.

*I feel like I should mention that the movie adaptation of the series tanked horribly. Apparently, instead of basing it one book, they decided to include elements from a bunch of different ones all into one movie. Cause you know, that worked so well in Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events.

However, apparently John C. Reilly did a great job as Mr. Crepsley. Who knew?

**By the way, to get that picture of the depressed cat, I typed in sadness into Google Images. Amid all the pictures of emo girls and crying children, there was that cat.  That sad, sad, little cat.

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Cirque Du Freak: A Living Nightmare: by Darren Shan

Bleh!

Cirque Du Freak: A Living Nightmare: by Darren Shan

A Living Nightmare is the first in a series of 12 books in the Cirque Du Freak series written by the Irish author Darren Shan. In Europe this series is called The Saga of Darren Shan, and a movie adaptation of the series came out in 2009. They’re about vampires.  Bam.

 

First of all, the story is written in first person perspective through the journals of Darren Shan, our main character who has the same first name as the author (or, more accurately, the authors pen name), implying that what is happening in the story actually happened.  Darren, who I’m pretty sure is about 12-13ish, is in class one day when his friend, Steve Leonard shows him a flyer for an underground freak show that’s playing nearby.  Though their teacher takes away the flyer (because freak shows are, you know, immoral and illegal and such), Steve is able to score a couple of tickets to the show.

So, the two kids sneak out to attend the show. And that’s when things get weird.  Halfway through the show, Steve, who’s totally in to vampire and werewolf legends, recognizes one of the performers, Larten Crepsley, who performs fancy tricks with his pet spider, to be a centuries old vampire.  After the show, Steve does the most rational thing anyone would do when recognizing a potentially dangerous creature of the night: he tries to blackmail Crepsley into turning him into a vampire.

But! It doesn’t go as it planned, as apparently Steve’s blood is evil and Crepsley refuses to make him a vampire.  Darren, seeing all of this, does the second most rational thing anyone would do when recognizing a potentially dangerous creature of the night: steal the vampire’s spider.  So he does, leaving a note saying: 1) he is not Steve Leonard and 2) if he comes to get his spider back, Darren will tell everyone he’s a vampire.  But the spider is more than he bargained for, because when Darren shows Steve his new spider, it bites him and sends him into a coma.  To get his friend back to conscious, Darren has to strike a life-alterating deal with Mr. Crepsley.

It was pretty good.  It had a nice plot, though there were points when the plot moved really fast.  I think I would have enjoyed it more if I was the targeted age the book is for, but overall, it kept me interested.

My favorite thing about this book was the descriptions of the actual freak show.  All of the freaks were very cool and creative, each with their own special talent or mutation.

If there was one moment in the book when I looked up and thought “Really?”, it had to be the freaking black mail letter.  As was said earlier, the story is told in first person perspective by a 12 year old boy, who isn’t the smartest person in the world.  Mr. Crepsley knew that Steve came with a friend the same age as him.  The letter Darren leaves says that he is not Steve, (Literally: The actual quote is: “I am not Steve.”)  I’m guessing it didn’t take Mr. Crepsley a long time to figure out who took his spider.

One thing that I thought was really cool was the portrayal of vampires. Instead of making them the brooding hunks of manly masculinity, the author makes them more of a throwback to the vampires of old. They’re a lot more

Totally not Draculathan Definately not Dracula

Which is a really cool thing. Because, let’s face it, the newer romantic, brooding idea of vampires is getting a little tired. And if anyone reading this is getting tired that trope, this book will be a nice change of pace.

Rating: 7 out of 10

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Hello. Welcome to my blog.

Hello.  Welcome to my blog.

I love reading.  It has been something I’ve always loved doing, and will be something I continue to love doing until I have some sort of life-altering change that will cause me to stop reading.  Like a book causing the death of my younger brother. Or me dying.

Anyway, my point is that I want to share my love of literature. Like anyone, I have my favorite books, my least favorite books, and some that basically end up in the middle.  Basically, I want this blog to be me sharing these books with you, the reader.

 

Thanks for reading,

Emily Geek

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